


if not in this life

by gothwyfe



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fights, Fluff, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kinda, Sad Ending, Smut, What Happened In Paris, but not really???, hope you are confused by these tags, idk lmfao take my word vomit basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothwyfe/pseuds/gothwyfe
Summary: “One day,” Emily had said to her. “One day I will take you to Paris, and show you where I used to live.” Her hand hovered above her stomach, tracing feather-light circles into her skin.She supposes that day will never come(alternatively: what happened in Paris- kind of.)
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	if not in this life

The light duffel bag swings-  _ back, and forth- _ the rhythm grounding her, keeping her from breaking down from the sheer idiocracy of the situation. Her heel boots  _ tap, tap tap _ against the tarmac, and she pushes down her sunglasses, glancing up and nodding at the men in black accompanying her. They disappear back into the private jet, and she readies her Glock against her hip, hidden under the thick khaki of her coat. The cold air nips at her exposed hands and neck, and she can almost feel her nose reddening, in the maddening way she hated. 

She ducks her blonde head under the top of the cab waiting for her, slamming the door shut. “ _ Hôtel La Bourdonnais Paris _ ,” she murmurs to the cab driver, who scoffs at her accent. 

She swallows thickly, leaning back, pulling off her sunglasses to watch the streets of Paris fly past. The sun had set since she’d arrived in the cab- a gorgeous descent into blue, purple, pink, and hints of the orange sun still peeking through. 

\--

_ “One day,” Emily had said to her. “One day I will take you to Paris, and show you where I used to live.” Her hand hovered above her stomach, tracing feather-light circles into her skin.  _

_ She reveled in how just that touch could turn her inside out. How the pads of Emily’s thin fingers could dip below her so deeply, could come out through the other side, peeking through the small of her back.  _

_ In this one moment, tangled in the white sheets on a warm Friday in the basking light of the sunset, JJ would hand every piece of herself over. She would wrap herself neatly in a package, a tight bow, and red wrapping paper. Ever so gently she’d place herself in Emily’s hands, to do with her whatever she please.  _

_ To have this moment forever, she’d destroy herself.  _

_ “Paris is gorgeous,” Emily murmured, nuzzled into her side. “Especially at sunset. It feels like it never ends- I would stand on the roof of my place with a glass of Merlot and just sit and watch. Time passed slower, then.”  _

_ She turned her back on the sunset, hand reaching up Emily’s face. “I’ll practice my French,” she whispered, though her apartment was silent and empty save them. “Mi amor. Ma cherie.”  _

_ “Your accent is terrible,” Emily had giggled. Her hand encapsulated the blonde’s, pushing it closer as if that one touch could melt her skin and jaw. “We will have to work on that in France, doudou.”  _

_ She gasped, laugh echoing through the desolate room. “Doudou?”  _

_ Emily let go of the other hand, relegating her warm, pale arms to wrap around the other woman’s body, tightly packing them together. “My cuddly thing.” _

\--

_ Tap, tap, tap.  _

Emily had told her once how she preferred the cold. She thought it was rejuvenating- how the cold could seep into your bones and wake one up from the deepest slumber. She voiced her hatred of the summer loudly- the muggy moist air, the sweaty smell, the peeling sunburn. 

_ Tap, tap, tap.  _

JJ had always argued vehemently on behalf of warmth. She had always been a summer girl- the town she grew up in Pennsylvania had frigid, frozen winters. The cold meant school was canceled, and she couldn’t play outside with her friends- that she’d sit alone in the icy house with her icy parents, who would raise piercing voices at each other, their breath ghosting out in white smoke. 

She had once thought about all that made them different, lost in her thoughts. They were a most unlikely pair- if not for work, there was not a chance they would have ever met. Much less have become so impossibly close. 

JJ felt a sharp shiver make its way down her spine, pulling her coat tight around her shoulders. She would never be able to understand the appeal of the cold. 

\--

_ Emily’s hot breath ghosts across her face. JJ shivers in her thin coat, feet frigid in the puffy white snow. Henry and ‘Uncle Spence’ had taken the day to go play in the snow, and Emily told her it was time to keep her promise. She drove her out to an isolated place- begging her to not go crawling back to the warmth of the car and just trust her.  _

_ “Em,” she whined needily. “What the hell are we doing out here? I’m cold,” she murmured, rubbing her mitten-clad hands up and down the sides of her arms.  _

_ Emily simply pulled her closer to her side, beaming at her under the falling snowflakes. “You’ll find out,” she whispers, leading her away from a small patch of ice she surely would have slipped on. _

_ “Remember when I told you I’d show why I love the cold?” she continued, their steps slowed naturally. Emily stops, turning her to face the other. She looks down at her, eyes warm and sunny in contrast to the dingy, white day. Emily leans down, pressing a long yet innocent kiss to her lips.  _

_ She spins her around, so JJ may face a small log cabin alight with yellow lights. Two green rocking chairs sit out front, and a gorgeous little red mat sits in front of her, reading a bright welcome.  _

_ “We have two days,” she drawled against her ear. “Alone in the cold- no kids, no cases.” _

_ JJ feels her mouth twist upwards. “Naughty girl,” she whispers back.  _

_ Emily giggles against JJ’s ear, leading her up the wood stairs and shaking the flakes off them. She opens the door, warm air bursting out against JJ’s face, making her face pinken.  _

_ “It was never the cold I loved, doll,” Emily says, once they’ve settled on the couch, Emily’s arm creeping its way around her neck. “It was always warming up.” _

\--

The hotel buzzes with noise. It encapsulates her, resonating in her ears as she stands in front of the perfectly painted white door-  _ third floor, room 309 _ \- and tries once again the raise her hand to knock. 

JJ clenches her hand, nails biting against the horrible calluses from countless hours at the gym, and grits her teeth. Her eyes sting, and she blinks furiously, trying to block out the roaring noise and the sound of blood rushing to her head. 

She doesn’t know why she is feeling this mad. Rationally, she understands that Emily made this decision, and now they must work with it. 

Rationally, she knows it makes no sense for her to place blame on Emily when it clearly was not her fault. 

Rationally, she knows it’s simple. Two taps. One quick, one short. 

Two taps. 

Her hand curls in further, and she steels her nerves, the fluorescent lighting burning her cornea as she looks up, and gently taps on the door one, two times. Once quick, once short. 

The door swings open.

\--

_ “Henry!” She laughed, watching their son run inside, leaving the door open in his wake. She sets down the heavy bags inside as the smell of new house fills her nostrils. Emily makes her way through the door, yanking four large suitcases through the door. Micheal toddles his way in after, putting down the tiny little cactus his class was growing.  _

_ “I call the big room!” Henry yelled down, from the top of the staircase.  _

_ Micheal yells back in frustration, and after a quick glance at his precious cactus, ran upstairs to fight Henry for his right.  _

_ Emily sighs, laying across the couch and throwing her sunglasses to the side. “Come here, come here,” she beckons, and JJ complies. She sits down beside Emily, and wraps her arm around, kissing her forehead gently.  _

_ “This is our home,” JJ whispers, eyes stinging. Emily beams up at her, taking her face in her hands.  _

_ “Ours.” She repeats as if it had yet to set in.  _

_ They stay there for a moment, in the dingy dark of the barely-furnished room with blinds drawn, to hold each other’s presence.  _

_ JJ could get used to this.  _

_ “Henry!” Micheal yells from upstairs. “It’s mine!”  _

_ Loud crying follows, and Emily’s sighs, eyebrows pinching.  _

_ “I’ll get the boys,” she says softly. “You think you can drag in the rest of what’s in the car?”  _

_ “I think?” JJ smiles. “When could I not?” _

_ Emily sticks her tongue out. “I only love you for your gorilla-strength, Jareau.”  _

_ She grins, breezing out the house before stopping at the door. _

_ It was plain white, shocking in contrast to the welcoming red of the brick house. She frowned, studying the basic layer of paint. They ought to give it a more welcoming color. _

\--

The glass is cold and weighty in her hand. She clenches it, hoping the jarring touch of it will help keep her here, keep her mind from falling into an abyss where she realizes the sheer ridiculousness of this situation. 

Emily sits across from her, cheek held in place between her teeth. Her elbows rest heavily on her knees, clad in thick black material. 

She looks terrible, to put it lightly. Her eyes are worn with dark, purple circles and her face is gaunt from the time in the hospital left on a feeding tube. Her nose is crooked from a nasty punch, and there is a barely-healed gash on her forehead. 

JJ lowers her gaze, relegating her eyes to the carpet. It’s a very nice brown. 

Emily clears her throat, and JJ lifts her head. Meeting her eyes is painful- there are millions of years between them in that second. 

“JJ,” she says scratchily. “Uh.. how have you been?” 

She wants to laugh. 

She doesn’t.

“Good,” she replies shortly. “I-I’ve been fine. You?” 

Emily chuckles, gesturing at herself. “What do you think?” 

JJ forces a small smile. “Hm.” 

Emily nods, and she gets up to refill her glass. The room smells overwhelmingly of Spring Mist air freshener, and Emily is pouring from a new bottle- but JJ can catch the glint of glass hidden behind the spare bed skirt laying over a chair. Emily’s hands shake just the  _ slightest _ as she pours from the bottle, and she sees a few small rings of liquid glinting under the lamplight. 

JJ should butt out. It’s not her business. 

Emily sits back down shakily, taking a long sip. 

“Are you mad at me?”

\--

_ “Are you mad at me?” She whispered to the thin outline of Emily’s back, turned to her in bed.  _

_ “No,” comes a fast reply. But Emily doesn’t turn back over.  _

_ JJ moves her hand to rest on the blades of Emily’s shoulders. “Yes, you are,” _

_ Emily shifts, pulling the blanket up over her shoulders. “Can we not talk about this right now?”  _

_ JJ pulls her hand back, pressing it to her chest. “Okay.” after a moment of hesitation, she adds “I love you.” _

_ Emily sighs, and at last turns over, pulling JJ close. “I love you,” she murmurs and presses a fleeting kiss against her shoulder.  _

_ She grabs at her hands, pulling the dark-haired woman closer to her back. Breath ghosts over her neck, making her hair stand up with goosebumps. They lay there in the dark, window open allowing brisk fall air into the room.  _

_ “I’m sorry,” she whispers into the night, long after she could have sworn Emily had fallen asleep.  _

_ She feels a slight smile carve into her shoulder.  _

\--

“What do you want me to say, Em?” JJ bites. Her glass rocks on her carpet moving under her foot, long-forgotten once she’d risen from her chair. 

Emily clenches her eyes in frustration. “I don’t know, okay! I don’t know what the hell I want you to say, and I shouldn’t have to! You can’t pin this on me-” 

“ _ You _ did this. You went after him, you left us all behind-”

“Oh, don’t you  _ even _ . You were gone long before I left.” 

“I didn’t have a fucking choice!” JJ throws her hands up, eyes stinging. “You think I would have fucking chosen to  _ leave _ ? But- but you did. And now we’re in this goddamn mess, and I have to cover for you and lie to my friends, my  _ family. _ ” 

Emily darkly chuckles, biting the inside of her cheek once again. “The family that would have died if I didn’t go after Doyle. You don’t know him- he wouldn’t have even blinked when shooting you between the eyes. I couldn’t stand there and just  _ let _ him.”

“He could have killed you. You were dead- and if you had just- just let us  _ help- _ ” she breaks off, voice thickening with tears. She clears her throat into her hand, “Let us help you like you would have helped us.” 

The fire in Emily’s eyes sputters out, her sharp face softening. “Jayje, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t say that. Don’t you ever say sorry for what he did.” 

Emily’s eyes glimmer and she closes the distance between them, pressing their bodies together and wrapping all of JJ in her pale arms. 

\--

_ When Emily holds her, JJ swears time stands still. She swears that she can feel the world coming to a stop, just to let her have This.  _

_ But it doesn’t- so she takes a page out of Spence’s book. She learns to document it, to keep every detail and every second of it filed away in her head.  _

_ Emily’s hand cradles her face, the soft pad resting ever so gently on her cheekbone, her thumb slipping under her jaw- and thank god for that, for JJ may not be able to keep it up- and her arm wraps around her waist. She clenches them close, so that their bare legs wrap together, so that Emily’s lips are right above hers.  _

_ Emily usually smells like fancy Parisian perfume, but when she is so close to JJ between the sheets she smells like Emily. The scent of slight sweat, and baby powder, and cinnamon candy.  _

_ The salty aftertaste is bitter in her mouth, yet she still savors it- allowing it to sit without disturbance. It tastes of the failed snickerdoodles they tried to make, of the salt and vinegar chips she devours every night, of the barbeques with the team.  _

_ She hears- hears the slight whirr of the fan running in the background, the squeaks of the floorboards settling, the tap that is still running inside the bathroom. The way Emily whispers her name, growing louder and louder, the way her thighs slap together.  _

\--

And out on the balcony of the deceivingly nice hotel, nothing to separate them from being so impossibly close, and the languid of slow movement pulling her out to a place she doesn’t come back from- Emily looks angelic. 

In the yellow light of the shitty outdoor lamp, her bruises fade, the years of resentment and regret fade from her eyes. The stress lines, the hard fall of her face, the furrow between her eyebrows simply disappear and all she looks like is JJ’s personal heaven. 

JJ’s personal heaven that she allows herself to think about- too often. Too often for a woman who is basically-married, who has two kids, who has a life and career that she would dump without a moment’s hesitation for This.

But it’s the way she surges up for one more kiss, one more tangle of their lips that breaks her, after a while. 

It’s the way that Emily pushes her off, her naked back gently colliding with the jarring, cold floor of the grandiose balcony. 

It’s the way that they will leave separately- JJ through the back, Emily through the front wearing large sunglasses in the night. 

The way they will pretend to meet for the Last Time again, at a small underground cafe and JJ will press a soft kiss goodbye to her dream. 

Because it will never exist. 

\--

_ “I met you, Emily Prentiss, when I was still young. I was just barely hitting 26, and here comes this big, fancy, European woman with so many hidden talents.  _

_ But you just took my heart away- and we have our troubles, we do, but we have never been able to stay away from each other. I think the day I met you, our fates were intertwined. No matter what I do you are always there, there to break my heart and pick up all the little pieces and kiss them back together.  _

_ You have completed me. You have fixed me. There is so much you have done for me- and for the boys, who love you so much- and I feel I’ve done so little for you, but I can’t even care. Because I need you with me, always. Forever.” _

_ Emily grips her hand harder, if even possible, tears now freely streaming down her face. She giggles, almost girlishly.  _

_ “Do you, Jennifer Jareau, take Emily Prentiss to be your lawfully wedded wife?” _

_ “I do.”  _

_ “And do you, Emily Prentiss, take Jennifer Jareau to be your lawfully wedded wife?”  _

_ “I do.”  _

_ “You may now kiss-” _

_ Emily cuts him off, grabbing JJ’s head with such velocity it could shatter titanium. What they do is barely a kiss- it’s like they are in middle school and the closest thing they have ever had to a kiss before was with a stuffed animal- but JJ cries all through it anyways.  _

_ Because she has this forever.  _

\--

The cab ride back to the jet is frigid. He says his heater is out of commission.

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda tried something here- I wanted to leave it up to the reader if the italics are another life, just in JJ’s head, or anything else. I thought it would be a kind of interesting take for JJ to be making this all up though, although really sad. I hope it came across the way I wanted it to??? Anyways I did really struggle with a few parts of this, and I think you can tell. BUT sound off!!! I wanna know what yall think.


End file.
